Well, you’ve asked for it. Actually, you didn’t, but I assume that if you bothered to read this page at all, you probably would’ve fairly demanded that I bring you the:
CONSPIRACY OF HAPPINESS
OSCAR™ NIGHT EXTRAVAGANZA
So, what follows is my take on Oscar Night, from the opening bell at 7 p.m., to the end (which should be sometime on Tuesday). Now, generally, I hate awards shows. It’s all sorts of ado without any substance. However, in the interest of journalistic integrity *cough, snicker, giggle* I will bring you my take on the Academy Awards.
Some opening thoughts:
Now then…on to the show.
- Oscar Countdown 2006.
- Billy Bush…no need to yell into the microphone. It’s designed to amplify the voice.
- Insipid hosts…who writes their lines? And seriously, how many of them do we need?
- Ahh…Pride and Prejudice….Keira Knightley *drool* That accent, I think she’s super hot. She looks fabulous…except, is she going blonde? And she’s witty…gotta love that. I hate that she’s on this early. Now what am I gonna look forward to?
- Amy Adams? Who is that? Nice earrings though.
- So far, the hairstyles have been less than impressive.
- Dolly Parton has bigger boobs than Pamela Anderson Lee…yep definitely. And her mouth…bigger than her boobs.
- Will Ferrell. He wasn’t bare-chested so that’s a plus.
Carnival Cruise lines. I should take a cruise. Oooh, popcorn commercial. I had popcorn at the movies today. I saw Mrs. Henderson Presents. Check out the Movies page for a mini-review.
- Whoa…Lauren Hutton, looks like a saddle; a used saddle.
- Naomi Watts is lovely and fresh and wonderful. And she was great in King Kong. She looked pained to be interviewed.
- Paul Giamatti should win something. He’s brilliant. He should shave though. (And I should talk) Is he playing a character during this interview, or is he playing this host? Fun either way.
- SCARY. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. They’re like characters in a movie of his. They look like a poor man’s version of the White Stripes.
- Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams…how cute. I love the vintage looks this evening. Michelle has a great necklace. They’re not very talkative though.
- Will and Jada, why are they here? No reason apparently.
- Wow, a monkey montage. That’s odd. I love that song from the Jungle Book though.
Applebee’s. Proof you can sing any lyrics to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”. ICK, Coke w/coffee? Gross.
- Keanu and Sandra. Definitely bored with this interview. I mean, really, are they gonna trash their own movies?
- Why are they giving nominees now? Why bother with the ceremony if they’re gonna do it before?
- I hate movie critics. I mean, I basically do the same thing on my review page, but these dorks are so full of themselves.
- Villain montage…BRILLIANT! I loved every single one of those characters. At least, every single one of them from the movies I saw, which was a lot considering I don’t particularly like scary movies.
34:00 minutes left of this? My brain hurts. I’m going to the bathroom. Okay, I’m back. I think I’ll order that pizza now.
- Oh, no she didn’t just bring up George Clooney on “The Facts of Life”. He’s pretty smooth though.
- Terrence Howard. How dare you dress your child in that bright white suit? He’s practically glowing radioactively on camera.
- He just said “Jennifer Aniston…when you were young…” So they’re dissing them early on the show. She so wants out of this interview.
- It’s nice to see men fawning over their wives. I do, so why shouldn’t they?
- Love montage with Garth Brooks in the background. Whatever happened to Garth?
This pizza is hard to order while I’m trying to watch TV. That Sons & Daughters comedy looks funny.
- Felicity Huffman is fabulous. And she looks great. Aww, she’s gonna cry. That’s wonderful though. She really is a stunning actress.
- My wife loves Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I’d like to see that movie. Oh my god…they just put “He portray’s Truman Capote”. Not apostrophe ‘s’ you morons. God…learn English! And apparently the sound guy is taking a nap too.
- David Strathairn. Man of many words. Not!
- Jake Gyllenhaal has great hair.
- Do they keep those movie critics in a box somewhere and just let them spring out when they need them?
Ordering pizza online…BRILLIANT! This Miracle Workers show is a pathetic attempt to piggy back on the Home Makeover tear-jerker bandwagon.
- Well, of course Sid Ganis says it’s gonna be a great show. He’s the freakin’ president of the Academy. “No Billy, the show’s gonna bomb and we’re not gonna do it next year.” Dork.
- Rachel Weisz is elegant. It’s a plain dress though. Even for a pregnant woman.
- Jamie Foxx. Is his hair painted on? And his sister with the Kid ‘n Play cut. Very retro. Jamie Foxx is talking about bowling…moving on.
- MORE HOSTS?! Sweet mercy…please give us Jon Stewart!
- Jessica Alba is hot too. Not Keira Knightley hot, but she has better breasts. I will patently deny I said that if Keira ever sets foot on my doorstep.
Okay…finally the insipid hosting is over. Now the real fun begins.
- You absolutely have to love any opening that has lightsabers and an X-wing fighter.
- 78th Annual…which means, it’s possible that my grandmother would’ve seen the first one had there been television or had she lived in California.
- That’s fabulous…self deprecating humor. That’s what makes Jon Stewart perfect for this. YEAAAAA! I love Jon Stewart.
- Naturally…my pizza comes during the opening. Thank god for TiVo…also, not available at the 1st Academy awards.
- A little political humor…very great.
- Charlize Theron, not amused.
- Keira with Jack Nicholson. Eeh…spooky.
- Jewish jokes…that’s brilliant. Plus, he put Bjork and Dick Cheney in the same joke.
- Charlize…what is with that massive bow?
- Oh, yeah. Gay western montage. Now, this is funny.
- Is Nicole Kidman high?
- Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney, Syriana; Matt Dillon, Crash; Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man; Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain; William Hurt, History of Violence…please let it be Paul Giamatti…come, on Paul. Damn…George Clooney sucks. Still, it’s his first, that’s nice.
- That was a really great speech by Clooney. They should all be that short and meaningful.
So, it was a good opening. Only a few flat jokes, but overall, very wonderful. Here’s a question though, when you win an Oscar and then have to go sit back down…where do you put the Oscar? On the floor next to your popcorn?
- I just don’t like Ben Stiller. He’s goofy…and not in a good way.
- Best Special Effects: Chronicles of Narnia; King Kong; War of the Worlds;Tough choice…I like Narnia because of the Lion. King Kong wins though and they deserve it. Kong was awesome.
- Reese Witherspoon is cute.
- Best Animated Feature: Howl’s Moving Castle; Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride;Wallace & Gromit; Curse of the Were-Rabbit Probably goes to Corpse Bride, but Wallace and Gromit is a crowd pleaser. I didn’t see any of them. Alright, Wallace and Gromit. I bet Tim Burton is PISSED. Those bowties are awful.
- Best Original Song: FIRST – Traveling Through by Dolly Parton I don’t like her voice. I mean, she’s a great singer and all, but I just don’t care for her voice. I haven’t seen Transamerica but I can’t imagine this song fits in all that well. OOoookay, less music, more Jon Stewart. Does Dolly Parton sing any song without Jesus in it? This song sucks. Oooh, oooh, oooh-ooh…write some damn lyrics. She can work a crowd though.
- I definitely want to see Munich.
Need more beer.
- Luke and Owen Wilson are great. That’s all I have to say.
- Live Action Short: Ausreisser; Cashback; Sidasti Bærinn; Our Time Is Up;Six Shooter Never heard of any of them, don’t care. Can’t even spell one of them. Woo, Six Shooter. I’m so happy for whatever. Is this really a category?
- Animated Short Film: Badgered; The Moon and the Son; The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, 9, One Man BandI’m thrilled that 9 had such a short title after that Jasper Morello title. The Moon and the Son wins. Again, I haven’t seen any of that. I’d be interested in those at least though. Let’s hear it for hand-drawn animation. Outstanding. Plus, Chicken Little and Abby Mallard were great too. Truly, why don’t ducks get to wear pants Disney?
- Best Costume Design: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Memoirs of a Geisha; Mrs. Henderson Presents; Pride & Prejudice; Walk the Line Well, Mrs. Henderson was stunning today. I only saw Charlie & Pride as competitors. Figures it would go to Memoirs though. For some reason people love Japanese wardrobe. You never see anyone wearing it though.
- DUCK! Russell Crowe is presenting. He could throw something any second now. Is he REALLY an actor? How very deadpan.
- I like this biography montage. Scary how much Denzel and Malcolm X look alike. Same goes for Sir Ben Kingsley and Gandhi.
- HOLY CRAP! They just spelled Will Ferrell’s name wrong on the big screen. Major gaffe. I guess that’s what the gaffer is for. Ha, a little movie humor for ya.
- Best Makeup: Chronicles of Narnia; Cinderella Man; Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith; Oh, PLEASE GIVE IT TO STAR WARS! Damn, Chronicles…well, they deserved it too. I think Cinderella Man was just thrown in so they would have three nominees. Okay Howard, BREATHE…take a breath. Darn, they cut her off…they should really wait for both people to talk.
- The Scientific and Technical Awards…ooh, and kudos to Jon for an allusion to Rachel McAdams not appearing on the Vanity Fair cover. BOOORING! No wonder they don’t do those awards live on the show.
- Yeaaa…Morgan Freeman. Electric Company out now on DVD. He looks very sharp too without a tie.
- Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams in Junebug; Kathleen Keener inCapote; Frances McDormand in North Country; Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener; Michelle Williams in Brokeback Mountain Frances or Amy should win just for their clips. I haven’t seen any of these…but I’m pulling for McDormand. Rachel Weisz, well, good for her.
- So apparently, 3 rows back from the stage…there are no celebrities. And…was that an Olsen twin with Phillip Seymour Hoffman?
- If I’d had more money today, I’d have gone to see Good Night, and Good Luck.
TiVo moves us right along.
- Lauren Bacall is still very beautiful. She’s not doing so well though. Man, this is sad. Has she had a stroke? Or is the teleprompter just crappy?
- Wow, Humphrey Bogart…now there was a great actor. And Peter Lorre too.
- Film noir montage…I like it. But then, I love those old movies, where everybody was cool.
- Keira Knightley…seriously hot! Definitely sprinkled with God-Dust!
- Cracking up at these political ads for Best Actress.
- Pimp: An agent with a better hat!
- Best Documentary Short Subject: The Death of Kevin Carter; God Sleeps in Rwanda; The Mushroom Club; A Note of Triumph; This is an important category…I haven’t seen any of them. A Note of Triumph wins. Who is Norman Corwin?
- Seriously Charlize…what is with that bow?
- Best Documentary Feature Length: Darwin’s Nightmare; Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room; March of the Penguins; Murderball; Streetfight I only saw March of the Penguins…AND IT WON! Regardless of what my wife tells you about this movie, it was a great documentary. I’d be interested in seeing Darwin’s Nightmare. French guys with stuffed penguins whistling in the microphone. Weird.
- J-Lo…in green again. And a big train to cover the big trunk.
- Best Original Song: SECOND: In The Deep by Kathleen “Bird” York. Great background set. I wonder how many permits they had to get for that fire on stage. This is not a bad song either. It beats Dolly Parton.
More TiVo…have I mentioned that I hate commericals? My ass is numb, and I’m sitting in the good chair. People should just not watch this much television.
- Best Art Direction: Good Night, and Good Luck; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; King Kong; Memoirs of a Geisha; Pride & Prejudice King Kong deserves it and will probably get it, but I like Harry Potter as an underdog. Memoirs of a Geisha? See, again with Japanese stuff that nobody owns. How many bamboo doors do you have in your home?
- Samuel L. Jackson is the COOLEST man on the planet. I think I might shave my head.
- Cultural disharmony montage…I don’t know that I would’ve used Aaron Copland’s music. All of those are movies that we should consider important though.
- Sid Ganis…twice in one night? Snore…say something I want to hear. Did he just say “state of the ‘heart’ storytelling? Did his dentist write his lines? I think I just saw Katherine Keener say “Look what time it is”.
- Salma Hayek. She has great hair. Her boobs look funny in that dress.
- You gotta love a maestro who does his own “ta-da”
- Itzhak Perlman with Best Original Score: Pride & Prejudice; Munich; Memoirs of a Geisha; The Constant Gardener; Brokeback MountainWell, just based on what little I heard of each, I think Brokeback Mountain should win…or maybe Munich. But given the rest of the night, it will probably be Geisha. Perlman is fantastic though. Oh…give it to John Williams…he deserves it. he’s awesome. Brokeback Mountain that’s awesome. It sounded great.
- I think Capote looks like a great movie. I don’t know anything about Truman Capote, but Hoffman makes me want to see it.
Commercial. I’m sleepy. I had two church services this morning. And the Great Litany twice. It’s the most extensive “please forgive me” experience a church can have. I need to go to bed. What time does this stuff end?
- Okay, now I don’t so much care for Jake’s hair. I can’t type his last name anymore. It makes my fingers hurt.
- They’re really pushing this no-pirating thing. That’s like the third reference to DVD’s tonight. And just for their information. I’ve enjoyed several of the Epic montage movies on DVD. I don’t pirate movies…but DVDs are not a bad thing.
- Best Sound Mixing: Chronicles of Narnia; King Kong; Memoirs of a Geisha; Walk the Line; War of the Worlds Come on, this is impossible. I’m voting for Kong though. YES! King Kong was awesome. Jessica Alba is really cute.
- I love Lily Tomlin. She’s great.
- Now, this is truly funny. Meryl and Lily, like a fabulous vaudeville act.
- Okay…yeah, we get it….Robert Altman, honorary Oscar, genius. Now he’ll have a 3 hour ovation and an even longer speech probably. If he had a bucket of fried chicken and some glasses, he could be Colonel Sanders.
- Is he still talking?
- Keira Knightley…have I mentioned how hot she is?
That’s a great American Express commercial with M. Night Shyamalan.
- Ludacris with Best Original Song: THIRD – It’s Hard Out Here for A Pimp I kinda like it. Sometimes I get in these weird moods where I need some hip-hop, or some drunk country. This would be a good song for one of those moments. Unfortunately, I’m not in one of those moods now…and I want this song to end. Oh LORD, that last note was nasty.
- Queen Latifah is a good lookin’ woman.
- Best Original Song: I gotta go with In The Deep…it was the best of the three. It’s Hard Out Here for A Pimp wins. Well, that certainly says something for the Academy. Those guys are crazy…good thing the “live” telecast is on delay too.
- Dreidel Off! That’s what I’m talking about.
- Wow, Jennifer Garner nearly nails the deck. Is she drunk? No…just clumsy.
- Best Sound Editing: King Kong; Memoirs of a Geisha; War of the Worlds;Come on Kong…SWEEET! I’m telling you, if you haven’t seen King Kong,you’ve totally missed out on one of the best movies I’ve seen in years.
- Ah, the famed Oscar “Hollywood Dead” montage. I like this part. Not that I like death, I just think it’s a nice thing that they do. Teresa Wright, Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, Robert Newmyer, Dan O’Herlihy, Vincent Schiavelli, Joe Ranft, Moira Shearer, Fayard Nicholas, Joel Hirschhorn, Sandra Dee, John Fiedler, Anthony Franciosa, Stu Linder, Barbara Bel Geddes, Moustapha Akkad, Chris Penn, John Mills, Robert “Buzz” Knudson, Simone Simon, Debra Hill, Onna White, Robert Schiffer, Guy Green, Brock Peters, Ernest Lehman, Shelley Winters, Anne Bancroft, John Box, Eddie Albert, Ismail Merchant, Robert Wise, Richard Pryor….what no Don Knotts? How could you leave out Don Knotts? Oh, I guess those are deaths from last year. That sucks. Still, we’re gonna miss ya Barney…and you too Mr. Miyagi.
I’ve been watching TV for three and a half hours. I’m not gonna watch TV the rest of this week.
- Best Foreign Language Film: Don’t Tell; Joyeux Noel; Paradise Now; Sophie Scholl; Tsotsi At least I’ve heard of a couple of them…I heard about Paradise Now and how they didn’t know how they would announce Palestine as a state, because that would be dissing Israel if it was announced that Palestine was a country as opposed to just territories.Tsotsi wins. Carrie said she’d like to see this…and after that stirring speech, I’d like to see it myself.
- Ziyi Zhang is very beautiful.
- Best Film Editing: Cinderella Man; The Constant Gardner; Crash; Munich; Walk the Line It should be Cinderella Man…that was awesome. And Crash wins. I guess I’ll have to check that movie out. It just seems like it would be difficult to watch.
<<<Pause in the action>>> Carrie’s coming home from Kristen’s and TiVo is holding the place so that she can see everything. Restart coming shortly.
- Hilary Swank has nice hair. She’s so thin too.
- Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Capote; Terrence Howard inHustle & Flow; Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain; Joaquin Phoenix inWalk the Line; David Strathairn in Good Night, and Good Luck This is a tough choice, but I’m betting it goes to Joaquin Phoenix. Wow…Hoffman. That’s great! I definitely have to see that movie.
- I guess I’ll have to see Brokeback Mountain. Although, it hasn’t won anything except score, right?
Too many commercials. TGFTiVo!
- Best Cinematography: Batman Begins; Brokeback Mountain; Good Night, and Good Luck; Memoirs of a Geisha, The New World. Gotta be Batman Begins….Memoirs? What the hell? Did anybody but Angie see this movie? Thing is, I’m not gonna see this movie. I don’t care how many awards it wins.
- Best Actress: Dame Judi Dench in Mrs. Henderson Presents; Charlize Theron in North Country; Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice; Felicity Huffman in TransAmerica; Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line Well, Judi Dench was awesome, but I bet it goes to Reese. Yep…I knew it. Poor Keira…she was so hot, and she didn’t win anything.
Even more commercials.
- Dustin Hoffman with Best Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain; Capote; The Constant Gardener; A History of Violence; Munich Okay, I’m rooting for Munich. Capote will probably win, but it could go to Brokeback. And it did! Larry McMurtry looks like he’s a little on the goofy side.
- And why can’t the program director’s ever aim the cameras at whoever was just mentioned from the stage instead of someone completely unrelated to what’s going on.
- Uma Thurman looks very nice this evening. And she’s incredibly tall. What is she about 8 feet tall?
- Best Original Screenplay: Crash; Good Night; and Good Luck; Match Point; The Squid and the Whale; Syriana. Come on Match Point because Scarlett Johannson is hot…Damn! Crash wins again.
- Crash might be a good movie.
- Best Director:…okay, seriously Tom Hanks talks too fast. Ang Lee wins forBrokeback Mountain. That’s cool. Spielberg has too many Oscars as it is.
- Nicholson…playing the crowd. They love him.
- Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain; Capote; Crash; Good Night, and Good Luck; Munich Gotta give it to Brokeback Mountain…but it should probably go to Good Night. WOW! Crash wins….that’s a stunner. Just goes to show that nobody knows how the Academy is gonna vote. It’s all one big crap shoot.
That’s it. Four and a half hours…I still hate awards shows. Maybe now more than ever. I hope you enjoyed. It probably took you just as long to read this.
See you in the funny papers!