Jack Frost can kiss my grits.

To borrow a phrase from Grey’s Anatomy…”Seriously?!” “Seriously.” This cold weather has got to stop. The windchill was 13 degrees this morning. It is slowly putting me in a crummy mood. Last night, I finished schoolwork ahead of schedule, went to the gym and ran 4 miles in just under 41 minutes March to the Mini update and my favorite show Studio 60 was on. I should have been in like Flynn; instead as I drifted off to Never Neverland I felt myself succumbing to the mystical forces that foreshadow a cranky attitude. It descended upon me like a dour dove, pressing me deep into the bed with its darkness. I can only attribute it to the cold, because everything else is going my way these days…even work. So, come on Winter, get thee to a warmer climate.

In other news…

  • The Hubble telescope’s main camera has shut down. This is disappointing news for the scientific community as well as citizens with an interest beyond the upper atmosphere.
  • France beginning a smoking ban. I don’t really remember France being all that smoky, not Paris anyway. Could be I just ignored it, but this is great news for people who really cannot stand secondhand smoke.
  • United Nations to confirm climate change. No shit! Really?! It wasn’t all a big hoax. Hmm, I guess 82% of the world can’t be wrong. Just goes to show you that George Bush doesn’t really know everything.
  • Barbaro laid to rest. Okay, this one really gets to me. 46 million Americans without/can’t afford health care, and this horse is “resurrected” at least twice according to veterinary medicine before being put down? I know this makes me seem like a heartless bastard who doesn’t like animals, but come on. Any other non-Derby winning horse would’ve been glue months ago.

Okay, I’ve ranted enough. Besides, I have to go back outside in 45 minutes to attend, of all things, a Climatology class. Maybe we’ll come up with a solution to this cold weather. Seriously!

The Movies and Events pages have been updated.  See you in the funny papers!

Take Me Out…

Alas, another cold winter morning wherein I grip the handlebars and try desperately to keep my eyes open in the gusting arctic wind as I wind my way down the mountain to work. Oh, if only there were some sort of hope to keep me warm. A small glint of the coming season that would flood into my being and ward off the flurries of winter. BUT WAIT…

There are only 21 days until the first voluntary report date for Spring Training. Granted, OpeningBaseball Day is not til April 1, but the mere thought of Spring Training thrills my heart. Plus, I believe the first college game here in town is on February 13, so that means there will be baseball soon; a mere two weeks away. The smell of freshly mown grass, the rough texture of a warm peanut as it crumbles between your fingers, the crack of the bat as a well hit double finds its way to the wall. Oh Lord, why can’t we have baseball all the time? The cynics there among you will tout steroids and over-inflated salaries as reasons to dismiss the notion of the grand old game, but that will not stand. That is the business of baseball. The true game itself is flawless; an elegant ballet between teams that can take place in any spare spot of land on earth. A stick, an object to hit, and a desire for camaraderie among fellow friends is all that is necessary for the game of baseball.

But for the moment winter reigns *shaking my fist* but baseball shall come again shortly and all will be right with the world.

AND NOW, the Friday Five…only today’s is the Friday Fifty-Five, because yet again I’m avoiding work.

  1. Is your second toe longer than your first? Yes, and if the old tale about this proving intelligence is true, then I’M BRILLIANT!
  2. Do you have a favorite type of pen? Yes, doesn’t everyone. I’m currently addicted to the Bic Grip Roller Micro.
  3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing? What’s a planner? My calendar says it’s a Wednesday, so I’ll be at choir practice.
  4. What color are your toenails usually? Usually they’re toenail color. What is that…peach, pink? I don’t know.
  5. What was the last thing you highlighted? Wire transfer instructions on a disbursement form at work.
  6. What color are your bedroom curtains? They’re white and sheer I think, with little flowers on them. They match the comforter on the bed.
  7. What color are the seats in your car? The ones in the Honda are dark gray, almost black. The ones in the Toyota are gray. The one on my bike is black.
  8. Have you ever had a black and white cat? Yes…we have two, named Peach and Red. And if you know anyone that would give them a good home, they’re up for adoption.
  9. What is the last think you put a stamp on? A bill I’m sure. That’s the only thing I put stamps on these days.
  10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming? Personally? No. But I think Harrison Ford lives in Jackson Hole.
  11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time? I’m sure it’s because we were going out. It might have been for a hair cut though. No wait…it was while we were in Paris, so it was for Metro tickets or something.
  12. Who is the last baby that you held? Emma Grace, my niece.
  13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names? I don’t think so. All the twins I knew had names that were different sounding.
  14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste? No, definitely not. I like my toothpaste minty, but not too minty and not too bubbly either.
  15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago? The Corolla. We’ve had it for 4 years now.
  16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators I’d have to go with the Gators on this one. The Hurricanes just seem to be a bunch of thugs.
  17. Last time you went to Six Flags? I don’t think I’ve ever been to Six Flags. Not my thing.
  18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house? We do have some leftover wallpaper in the upstairs bathroom…but wallpaper has been pretty much banned from the house.
  19. Closest thing to you that is yellow: There’s a yellow post-it note mere inches from my keyboard.
  20. Last person to give you a business card? I think Clay gave me his business card so that I’d have his email address. I don’t really work in the business card world.
  21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to? I don’t write checks. C writes the checks. Although, I think I wrote a check to the furnace guy when she wasn’t home back in November.
  22. Closest framed picture to you? There’s a picture of me and C on the desk. It’s sort of framed in that it slides into a picture holder, but I wouldn’t really consider that a frame.
  23. Last time you had someone cook for you? Last night. We let ZA’s do the cooking. Also, I had an Arrogant Bastard to drink. Top notch ale, that one.
  24. Have you ever applied for welfare? No, but I’ve wanted to. And if health insurance continues to go up, I may have to.
  25. How many emails do you have? I assume you mean addresses and I have two that I check regularly. As for actual emails, I think I have over 150 total.
  26. Last time you received flowers? I don’t think I’ve ever received flowers. At least, not that I remember. But that reminds me…
  27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman? No. I think with the divorce rate what it is today the “sanctity” of marriage is a little overrated.
  28. No Question
  29. Do you play air guitar? Like the God of Rock himself!
  30. Do you take anything in your coffee? I take whatever will make it taste less like coffee. Cream, sugar, vanilla, whipped cream, chocolate chips.
  31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines? I have no idea what that even is! Now I do, and I think we have one Willow Tree ornament.
  32. What is your high school’s rival mascot? I’d have to say the main rival mascot was a Viking. LONG LIVE THE SNOWMAN!
  33. Last person you spoke to from high school? Actually spoke to, or emailed. Spoke to: Angie. Emailed: Lorie.
  34. Last time you used hand sanitizer? I try and avoid hand sanitizer at all costs. I think it’s a government conspiracy to brainwash us.
  35. Would you like to learn to play the drums? No, not really. Maybe some other instrument.
  36. What color are the blinds in your living room? They are a mottled brown. They’re bamboo I think.
  37. What is in your inbox at work? I don’t really have an inbox per se, but my desk is covered with things on my “To Don’t” list.
  38. Last thing you read in the newspaper? The obituaries. Like my mom says, if you’re in the obituaries in the morning, you don’t have to go to work that day.
  39. What was the last pageant you attended? I can thankfully say I’ve never attended a pageant. Sweet Lord, what a nightmare. Have you seen Little Miss Sunshine?
  40. What is the last place you bought pizza from? That would’ve been ZA’s. See Number 23.
  41. Have you ever worn a crown? Daily. I am the Prince of Instrument Rental, the Duke of Disbursement Forms, the Baron of Evaluations.
  42. What is the last thing you stapled? I believe it was some disbursement form at work.
  43. Did you ever drink Clear Pepsi? Yeah, it was freaky because you expected it to taste like Sprite or something, but it was definitely Pepsi-flavored.
  44. Are you ticklish? A little, but I can subdue my ticklishness so it’s not always easy to tickle me.
  45. Last time you saw fireworks? I think it was at a Bat’s game. That’s generally where I see fireworks.
  46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut? Oh man, I can’t remember, but I’d give anything for a hot one right now.
  47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned their call? Mike Tracy, against my better judgment.
  48. Last time you parked under a carport? Years ago when I lived with my folks.
  49. Do you have a black dog? No.
  50. Do you have any pickles in your fridge? I’m sure there are some in there. They may be 3 years old, but they’re probably in there.
  51. Are you an aunt or uncle? Yes, I’m an uncle to beautiful little Emma Grace.
  52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of? My sweet baboo, C.
  53. Last time you saw a semi truck? Yesterday, on my way home from the gym.
  54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe? Barely. I did know an ugly kid named Joe once though. *laughing*
  55. Do you have a little black dress? Yes, but it doesn’t fit any more.

Okay, so that should keep you busy most of Friday. Angie, if you’ve gotten this far, you have to do actual work now. Mom, if you’ve gotten this far, thanks for the tip on National Kazoo Day yesterday. Ryan, if you got this far, shouldn’t silent reading time be about over now?

March to the Mini update 

See you in the funny papers!

State of the (drinking) Union

So the thing is I hate listening to the President speak, but I feel some sort of obligation, in orderGeorge Bush Toasts to understand how deep the hole he’s digging is going to be for future generations. All in all, last night’s speech wasn’t awful. He actually said a lot of things that, for a change, made sense. And while he may have been pandering to Democrats in order to avoid 2 years of lame duck-ness, hopefully some of it will actually come to pass. Especially the parts about healthcare and reduction of dependence on oil (although, ethanol is not the answer). But again, I don’t like listening to him talk…so C suggested a State of the Union drinking game.

For those of you unclear on the concept, every time you hear certain keywords, you take a swig of alcohol. (Yes, I said swig…I’m from Kentucky and it’s a real word.) So for last night’s State of the Union, we chose the following: Security, terrorists, Iraq, 9/11, and any mispronounced words. I was pretty much drunk by 9:41 and that was even before he said Nu-kyuh-lur…THREE TIMES! Although, at first we were drinking when he was saying uh-Murr-akins. Finally, we realized that’s just his accent.

It’s a pretty fun game, although, I wasn’t really paying attention after awhile. So…I don’t really remember a lot, but I don’t think it was as bad as it could’ve been. Here’s hoping that wasn’t just the vodka haze.  I wish we had had this little beauty in addition to our own rules.  That would’ve been more political fun than should be legal.

See you in the funny papers!

Cool College Kid

Cool College Kid by Big Cheez

I am a Cool College Kid. Actually, at this point in my life, I’m a Cold College Man. How about winter folks? Didn’t I say it was coming? Don’t make me look up the post. I’ll do it. Mostly because I’m ignoring my work at the moment. And, anybody who’s been attending college as long as I have is no longer a kid. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, I’ve got a few things to write about today:

  • Global Warming <<read more>> is real and it’s coming to your neighborhood. If you don’t believe this, you probably think that the earth is only 6,000 years old. Please wake up, put down the keys to your Suburban Excavator and start paying attention. If we don’t start doing something right now about the warming of the earth, needing SPF 712 is going to be the least of your worries.
  • Funding for education is something that should be on the top of your priority list. Everybody reads about tuition hikes and thinks, “Well, if you want an education you have to pay for it.” It’s no longer a matter of want. We NEED an education if we want to compete in the global economy. Plus, for what our little debacle in Iraq has cost us, we could’ve given out almost 40 million scholarships to university students.
  • If you think education is a waste of time, maybe you would consider healthcare an important issue. People are dying because of lack of services and the increased gap between what I pay and what the health insurance industry pays is ridiculous. Not to mention that our little skirmish in Iraq could have given health insurance to over 46 million people.
  • And for those of you who think that this is all liberal claptrap trumped up by the ivory-towered academics who certainly don’t know what the “real world” is like…let me just say that all of this information came from reading the news, or from my own personal life, or from websites that are not funded by “conflicted interest” parties.

Yeah, apparently I’m in one of “those” moods. It’s just aggravating to say the least that our country, not to mention the world, continues to ignore the larger issues at hand and simply focuses on reacting to nonsense.

Trashtalk of the day: Ayman al-Zawahiri in his latest video dares the U.S. to “send entire American Army.” Well, if Bush doesn’t get out of office soon…it may come to that.

See you in the funny papers!

Road Rules & Television Execs

This is not a post about the television show “Road Rules” which appeared on MTV. Which brings up an interesting comment…do you remember when the “M” in MTV stood for music?! Ah, those were the days. Now, since video has killed the radio star, insipid banter between snotty socialites and desperate hosts has killed music television. But that’s not even what I came to talk about today. DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

Yesterday, I was riding home from work as I usually do. Pedalling hard to keep up with traffic as much as possible, stopping fully at the stop signs, signalling when I need to change lanes…you know, all the things a responsible cyclist is supposed to do. So, as I’m signalling to get over to turn left, this lady can’t decide if she’s going to speed up and pass me, or slow down and let me over. So, while I’m coasting with my left hand signalling a lane change, she’s mulling the decision. Finally, I just move on over and as she passes me, she hollers out the window “Learn the rules of the road!” It’s crap like this that angers me. Not only was I following all of the rules of the road, I was trying to be nice and let her choose how she wanted to proceed. So, to the lady in the car, please accept the following:

Sticking out your tongue

However, I digress.  My next topic is television.  Whatever happened to good television.  Do you remember Thursday night television when you were growing up?  You can probably name off every show that appeared from 7:30 to 11 and that lineup never changed.  And the thing was…they were all good shows.  Nowadays, you can’t find any of the shows you want to watch, because they’re always moving them around…that is when they’re not cancelling them.  And, of the 4 or 5 networks, there might be 7 shows worth watching on a regular basis.   Granted, I’ve not seen all of the shows, but the ones I have seen are crap.

GOOD TV: Grey’s Anatomy, House, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Gilmore Girls, Desperate Housewives, Lost, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Brothers and Sisters, Heroes, Scrubs, My Name Is Earl, The Office, The Unit

BAD TV: American Idol, Cops, The Apprentice, Deal or No Deal, Grease: You’re the One That I Want, Beauty and the Geek, Wife Swap, How I Met Your Mother, The Class, Supernanny, Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of Old Christine, American’s Funniest Home Videos, The Knights of Prosperity, Armed & Famous, According to Jim, George Lopez, 30 Rock, Ugly Betty, WWE, Nanny 911, Dateline NBC

So obviously, the bad outweighs the good.  I guess this has probably always been the case…it just seems that the bad is really bad these days and the good is so few and far between.  But none of the networks has called or emailed me yet to ask my opinion…so I guess tv will stay the way it is for a while.

And now, the FRIDAY FIVE

  1. What did you eat yesterday? I had a collection of odds and ends because it’s grocery week.  For example, for dinner, I had a frozen TV dinner, a Gardenburger, two croissants, a bag of popcorn and Miller High Life Lite.
  2. Are you more likely to yell or give the silent treatment? I think it truly depends on the situation, however, in recent years, I’ve found that I’m more likely to be silent rather than yelling.  Yelling really doesn’t solve much, and silent at least gives you the opportunity to listen to the other person.
  3. Who did you last grieve? This is an oddly worded question.  Who did I give grief to or who did I grieve for?  The answer to the first part is my mother.  I’m always giving her grief about something.  Don’t worry, she gives it right back.  As for who I last grieved for…probably Jill, my wife’s aunt.  That’s the last person I remember grieving for.  Unless you want to count George’s dad on Grey’s Anatomy last night.
  4. What feels good today? Lots of things.  For one, my jeans.  I love wearing jeans on Friday.  Secondly, the slight ache in my muscles from running 4 miles last night.  That feels good.  And, the short stack of things to do on my desk gives me great pleasure.
  5. Friday fill in: Thank you ___ for ___. Thank you Carrie for taking me to lunch today.

March to the Mini update

See you in the funny papers!

Quick and Dirty

Oooh, how I love double entendre! Okay, here’s the thing…I’ve got little time to write today, but I figured such loyal readers needed a fix, especially now that the Conspiracy’s fan base is growing. So, here’s the best of Quick and Dirty…



  • Me. After running through the mud on Monday.
  • Politics…and here we were hoping it would get better after the mid-term elections.
  • The price of gas. By which I mean “down and dirty”. Hollah up in here for less than $2/gal.
  • In no particular order, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan

Word is Oprah’s coming to Louisville, and possibly UofL, to interview Patrick Hughes. That’s pretty big news. Plus, apparently Steve Kragthorpe is a big fan of the marching band. Let’s hope that translates into some athletic money for the Music school.

March to the Mini Update

Updates to the Books, Movies and Links pages. That’s all I have time for. See you in the funny papers!

I’m famous, or is that infamous?

The coolest thing just happened to me, or to the Conspiracy of Happiness.  My entire post about Bush’s speech see Bush WHACKED! was reposted at Democratic Underground.com in the Blog Box.  How cool is that?  I mean, some people write and write for years and nobody ever notices.  Of course, I must admit that

  1. I’ve never heard of Democratic Underground.com until today
  2. Bashing Dubya is not altogether unpopular these days
  3. I doubt if today’s post will warrant any linking by any other blogs
  4. I wasn’t all that proud of the post in the first place…I felt I had left it unfinished.

Still, it’s fun to be noticed and I’ll take what I can get.

In other news, I began the March to the Mini last night.  That’s what I’ve dubbed my training for this year’s Kentucky Derby Festival 1/2 marathon.   If you want to keep track of mileage and statistics to sate your inner geek, check out the following link:


And now, to continue on a consistent path in this new year, I bring you the Friday Five:

  1. How high is your guilt threshold? I have a pretty high guilt threshold.  Growing up in my family we didn’t have a lot of guilt. We basically use aggravation as a tactic and if you can’t hold your own, well, you generally end up running to your room and slamming the door.  But the best of the best learn quickly that to take is to give right back and it’s generally all in good fun.  But I wouldn’t say guilt is necessarily involved on any level.  Other than that, I don’t really have an association with guilt.
  2. How strong is your resistance to sweets? I can go quite a long time without sweets.  We’ve had several chocolates and other assorted goodies in the house since Christmas and before and I have no real desire to consume them.  If I get the munchies, I’ll go and partake, but I don’t exist to eat sweets.
  3. How long is your fuse?  I must confess that I have a short fuse.  I’m conscious of the fact and I try to control it as much as possible.  But if I’m working on a project around the house and I get frustrated, it’s possible that the expletives will stream forth.  It’s an inherited trait that I’m working on.  In truth, the short fuse is not good for my blood pressure…so I try to rein it in as much as possible.
  4. What is the quickest way to get you hot (you know what we mean!)? Whoa, this is a family forum.  I think in the interest of all readers and non-readers I’m going to decline to answer this question.  If you’re reading this and you absolutely have to know…send me an email.  But seriously…
  5. How sensitive are you to ambient noise?  I assume by ambient noise you mean that rattle in the furnace, or the low mumble of the radio DJ in the other office, or the fan oscillating back and forth.  Doesn’t bother me at all.  I can totally tune it out.  However, I am unable to read while the TV is on.  I simply do not comprehend the words while someone else is talking.  I must read in a quiet environment.

So that about covers it.  Sometime next week I think I’m going to do an entry on television shows, good and bad.

See you in the funny papers!

Bush Whacked!

He’s at it again!  Click here for a transcript of last night’s speech…that way you don’t have to hear it with his idiotic drawl that sounds like he was hardly educated in a prestigious Ivy League school: http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/01/10/bush.transcript/index.html

What we’re seeing here is an increase in troops to a region that has clearly devolved into sectarian violence, i.e. civil war without any clear understanding of how this is different from our original plan of “stay the course”.  This is “stay the course” with more troops.  I feel sorry for the 21,500 people who are now going to have to be deployed to fuel a civil war in a country that is hardly democratic.  They should just start calling it the People’s Democratic Republic of Iraq.  Because everybody knows that any country that calls itself democratic has to be (North Korea, Congo, East Timor).

Anyway, most of the rest is just rhetoric about how he’s made mistakes and accepts the blame, but he swears that this time will be different because the Iraqi PM promises that things will get better with a zero tolerance policy for sectarian outlaws.  Hooey, I say.

See you in the funny papers!

A letter to Bobby Petrino

Dear Bobby Petrino,

First of all, thank you!  Thank you for four fabulous years of college football that many of us will never forget.  It was an amazing ride and we appreciate your hard work and disciplined attitude in bringing us the best possible teams throughout your tenure at the university.

Secondly, shame on you!  Shame on you for not being a man of integrity; a role model for the very impressionable young people that you coach.  To continuously sneak behind the backs of your team, not to mention the administration and the city that have done everything you’ve desired to make your stay a happy one, is unconscionable.  It demeans the program whether that was your intent or not.  To have said in one breath that “Louisville is where I want to be” and still be packing your bags for Atlanta is a gross disrespect for a lot of people.

Finally, and this is for everyone, not just you Bobby…it’s always about the money.  I said this when Johnny Damon left the Red Sox for the hated Yankees.  If for one minute you think that anything in sports is not about the money, you are sorely mistaken.  Bobby, we know it’s about the money.  You’ll be making twice as much money in a much more high profile job and I can appreciate that because I’m barely making enough to cover the house mortgage every month.

But money does not buy happiness.  Money does not, unfortunately, buy integrity.  Money does not buy anything except that which you could probably do without anyway.  With that said, enjoy Atlanta.  I hope you lead Michael Vick and the Falcons to an unprecedented level.  But I hope Atlanta knows that you’re not a man of your word and they should wonder every time you step off the field if you’re not looking for another place to call “home.”


The Conspiracy of Happiness