I’m not even sure where to really start, it’s all sort of overwhelming.
Governor Sanford of SC – You, sir, are a douchebag. And that’s as nicely as I could put it. First off, to cheat on your wife…that’s grounds for castration. I’m sorry, I’m lenient on a lot of things, but that is not one of them. Adultery is one of the commandments that I take literally. Also, kudos to your wife for not kowtowing like a typical Republican wet noodle and standing by you while you sob about what an awful thing you’ve done. I’m surprised she didn’t have her own press conference to talk about what a dick you are for leaving her with your four children, who will most certainly grow up now needing therapy to discuss what a useless father you were. You should’ve been half a man at least and divorced her if you were so in love with this chica from Argentina. I’ve really had it up to HERE with Republicans lately.
Michael Jackson – As much as I despise the news coverage of this event, I have to say that Michael was truly an icon; a unique harbinger of cool for my generation. I didn’t really know much about MJ until the “Thriller” album, which I still own, but that was all I needed…and the memories it conjures could fill pages I’m sure. First, I loved listening to Vincent Price laugh at the end of “Thriller.” Also, I think that was one of the first videos I saw on MTV. We didn’t have cable when it first came out, but my grandmother did and I first saw “Thriller” on tv with my cousin D. when I was staying over. My sister and I were also enthralled with MJ to the point that we desired white gloves; lusted after them even. My grandmother gave us both an old white glove that she had. They were too small, they were evening gloves, and they weren’t sequined, but we wore them all the time one summer pretending that we were the “King of Pop” himself. Remarkably goofy considering we were white kids from the suburbs, but, we thought it was cool. Then came the “Victory Tour” album, which I had to have. Again, my grandmother saved my existence by purchasing the record for me after I saw it in the record store. I remember exactly zero songs from that album, but I remember that Tito looked like somebody’s Hawaiian uncle and Jermaine looked like a girl on the photos on the inside. I still have that album as well. I think that same day was when my mother bought me a Bart Simpson shirt which she has never let me live down. It was the one of him in the Bartman costume saying “Watch It, Dude!” because the “Eat My Shorts, Man!” shirt was surely deemed inappropriate. Ah…the early 80s, what a wonderful time. Anyway, Michael you were amazing, even through all the weirdness, you really knew how to put on a show. And the music…we’ll never forget the music.
I’d love to talk about Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett as well, but I didn’t really know them like I did Michael (as if I really knew him!) I didn’t watch late night television so I think I saw Ed a total a 3 times my whole life, aside from Publisher’s Clearinghouse commercials. My sister enjoyed the magazine stamps in the envelopes, though. And, Farrah, I knew guys who had the poster and I only vaguely remember you from your one season of “Charlie’s Angels,” a show I really enjoyed, but rarely saw because it came on after my bedtime. Still, you energized the libido of a generation of fans and we’ll always be thankful.
See you in the funny papers!