The evils of Socialism

This was simply too good not to repost…it’s an anonymous writing about the “evils of socialism” found at my friend J.’s website, Gooder Than Hell. Of course, it’s oversimplified, but it’s good fun to read:

The Evils of Socialism

See you in the funny papers!


The goodness of Spring

Today…today was a good day.  It didn’t start out all that well, but it turned out pretty wonderful.  This morning, I was exhausted.  I really wanted to go back to sleep.  I was at a work event in Indianapolis on Wednesday and Thursday, and this morning, well, I really just wanted to sleep in.  However, it turns out that I’m an adult and I can’t just slack off when I want to.  Not to mention, I really like my new job.  I know that this is not something you ordinarily hear from me, but I’m intellectually stimulated by this position.  And, the work in Indianapolis was even MORE exciting.  I’d love to tell you about it…but I’m walking that thin line about “blogging about the job” which I do not do…so let’s just say that it’s going to provide some great events for some deserving individuals this summer.  Anyway, I digress.  So, this morning, I got geared up and as we were getting IvyCat ready for school she started gagging.  Now, chances are that this is related directly to teething and/or possibly some sort of small bug.  She’s fine now (thanks for asking!) but since I’m an adult AND a parent, I needed to stay home with her to make sure she was okay and that she didn’t spread it around.  So, like I say, she’s fine…but we got to spend some wonderful time together today.  She was just the right amount of clingy, snuggly but not fussy Aside: You parents know what I’m talking about and since it was such a beautiful day, we got a chance to be outside a little bit.  IvyCat absolutely LOVES being outside.  She enjoys fresh air and sunshine…and who doesn’t really.  Plus, a visit by the grandparents and a trip to the ice cream shoppe (for the adults, not the kid) really made it outstanding.  But, here’s the kicker.  While we were outside, I got a chance to sit on the front steps with my daughter and this was one of those moments that it became clear why people have children.  I really enjoyed being a father today.  She sat there like the best little girl in the world, taking in all of the action…leaves blowing, cars driving by, people walking their dogs…and I just smiled, openly and in my heart.  It was the best feeling I’ve had in years.  I look forward to many, many more of these days!

See you in the funny papers!

Goals: An end and a beginning

I have never been what you might call a goal setter.  I distinctly remember a conversation with my parents, way back in the day when I was floundering around a collegiate career, wherein my father insisted that I needed to learn to set goals; that I must focus on something and complete it.  I’m not what you might have known as a “finisher.”  I quit playing baseball because I couldn’t hit (more than likely because I needed glasses, which we wouldn’t find out for another couple of years) and I quit taking ballet and tap lessons and I don’t really know the reason behind that particular setback.  I quit being a good student when it became more difficult and I actually had to work at it.  I quit piano lessons in the 10th grade because I felt like I wasn’t being taught what I wanted to learn and I quit taking organ lessons when the church hired a director because it didn’t feel necessary.  I quit college a couple or three times, but did finally manage to make it through.  I’m apparently very good at quitting.

Back at the start of the year, I blogged about a number of things, one of which was my goal to run my first marathon this year.  Then came SNOWMAGEDDON, the return of the SNOWPOCALYPSE.  It seemed as if every day that I was scheduled for a run, there was snow in the forecast, or it had just snowed, or snow was actually falling.  In addition to this climatological deterrence, the treadmill that I counted on for getting me through the cold and snowy days developed a couple of holes, a crease, and a small tear in the belt causing it to slip while I ran.  Having been on the crappy end of a couple of broken ankles, I thought it best to put it out to pasture.  And, as if all that were not enough, I seemed to maintain a constant sinus disturbance from mid-November straight on through ’til about 3 weeks ago.  All of these things led me to the exceedingly frustrating decision not to run on April 24 in the Nashville Country Music Marathon.   And, it hurt.  It really hurt to make that decision because I wanted it to work.  I wanted to cross that finish line and get my medal and say that I put in the time and effort necessary to run a marathon.  I wanted people to see me as someone who could finish; someone who could be counted on.  But, as has been the case many, many times before, I’ve settled for something less than I could accomplish with what seem like flimsy excuses.  It also did not help that the financial burden of attending this marathon was not something I expected either.  It was not a king’s ransom, but I could not have scraped the entry fee and hotel room out of the couch cushions.  Plus, what seems the worst part of this is that after having made the decision, my body just decided that it would take advantage.  I’ve run maybe 2 or 3 times since making the decision.  I eat constantly, and not things that are good for my body.  I had even given up soda during marathon training and now I drink them faster than I ever did before.  It’s as if my body knows I gave up and is determined to take full advantage making it that much harder for me.

Now, with all the free time that I have now that I’m not training for a marathon, I’ve decided to go back to school.  This shocks me just as much as it does you.  With the countless words that I’ve written about how agonizing it was to finish my bachelor’s degree in the first place, the thought of graduate school should make me faint dead away.  However, I find myself craving a new educational opportunity.  Maybe it’s the new job, or maybe it’s just a replacement goal, but I’m at the very least committing myself to finding out more.  Fortunately, with this goal, there is very little downside.  I’m in a position where I’m able to attend school for the price of textbooks.  It’s a master’s degree in a field that I’m very interested and excited about.  So, short of the “entry fee” (the GRE exam cost, which is half the price the marathon event would’ve cost), I can only go up from here.  Maybe, just maybe my father was on to something with this whole goal-setting notion.  We shall see.

See you in the funny papers!

The Oscars with the Sex in the City girls

So…here I am.  I know, I know!  Where I have been?!  I’m not even gonna say I’m sorry this time…because honestly, you should’ve just known.  However, here’s the fun part.  The Academy Awards are on tonight and I’m at home.  Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I hate awards shows.  But my wife’s magazine girls are over tonight to watch the Oscars, except for S. (Sorry you’re home sick S., feel better soon!).  They’re the magazine girls because they’re just too busy to actually read books so they formed a magazine club to read all the crappy magazines.  You know the ones…anything you can find in the front of the grocery store.  So…this may be my worst nightmare, but at least I have a Samuel Smith Taddy Porter.

It’s already started:  C., K., P., and S. (the other S., not the one who’s home, sick.)  They of course want to know who is who in relation to Sex in the City.  I refuse to divulge who’s who.  We’ll maybe settle it at a later time.  Just so you know, everything below is excerpted from their conversation.  My comments are in curly brackets.

  • What is Miley Cyrus doing with that hairdo?  What’s she doing at the Oscars?  It’s a sorry state of affairs that she is “it.”  Maybe she has one of those bump-it things? {That may actually be a trademarked thing, but who knows!}
  • Helen Mirren is lovely.  Who is that huge lady?  She’s towering over Sarah Jessica Parker.
  • {Many sighs over George Clooney}  Did you see the airline movie {Up In The Air}?  Did you think it was slow?
  • Have you seen Alice in Wonderland yet?  The visuals were stunning, but the story was flat.  Damn girl *snap*  Put that in your blog!
  • {Charlize Theron} She has pink rose boobs.  That’s not good.  They’re like hands reaching around.
  • Aaron, you should say they need dress tape.
  • Did anyone else see Up?  I cried through the whole thing.  You think it’s sad?  Well, the beginning…but it gets better.
  • {Amanda Seyfried} She’s wearing a wedding dress.  I hear there’s a trend toward that.
  • {Matt Damon} I think he’s delicious.  He’s flawless.  We don’t want to see his wife.  I would have to be drunk to talk to him. His hair looks longer than normal though doesn’t it?
  • He’ll do nudes of you?  I would love to have nudes done.  I would just feel uncomfortable with me posing.  I don’t get it and that’s why I’m Charlotte.  But she had her privates painted.
  • {Jennifer Lopez} That’s a very interesting dress she’s wearing.  I’m over her…and Beyonce too.  Me too.  That she smuggling a child under there.  There’s too much fabric.  She looks like that lady in “The Nutcracker.”  I hate her husband.  It takes her two hours for makeup…a lot of airbrushing going on.
  • What is up with all of the men wearing their hair so long?  That’s like the 3rd or 4th pink dress.  Did anyone see Precious?  Yeah, but I had a hard time watching it.  The book is really hard to read.  It’s horrifying.
  • Brown tux…we’re intrigued by that.  It’s like a harlequin pattern.
  • {Meryl Streep}  Why are her arms all covered up?  I like the cleavage.  I don’t like the  shoulder pads.
  • {Demi Moore}  That’s Demi?  That doesn’t look like her.
  • {Giuliana Rancic} What is with her?  I watched her reality show.  Who is she and why does she have her own reality show?  The guy she’s married to won the
  • {Rachel McAdams} That dress is the color of the car wash soap.  {The tri-color soap…it really was.}


  • {Keanu Reeves} OHHHH! What’s with the facial hair?  Is he gay?  It looks like he missed a spot.
  • {Evan Rachel Wood} I don’t like her, but that’s a good dress. She’s not feminine.  What’s she in?
  • {Tyler Lautner}  That guy, oooh…he’s good from the neck down, but those squinty eyes.
  • {Gabourey Sidibe} Did you hear what she said…it’s like Hollywood prom.  I like her dress.  She’s so comfortable with herself.
  • {Maggie Gyllenhaal} She looks like that Droopy Dog from the cartoons. {Serious Laughter}  She pushes the envelope.
  • Everybody has the same hairdo tonight.
  • {There is much discussion about the ridiculous bow/fabric/tent on J-Lo’s dress.}
  • {Robert Downey, Jr. and Susan Downey}  Her dress is nice.
  • {I hate Ryan Seacrest}  Has he come out of the closet officially yet?  I think he would come across as less asshole-ish and douchebaggey if he came out.
  • {Cervical Cancer commercial}  What the HELL…?
  • Evangeline Lilly is the L’Oreal woman now.  She’s absolutely stunning.  They covered up her freckles.
  • {May I say, this show hasn’t even started yet and this blog could go for days!}
  • {Gerard Butler} What is up with these scraggly beards?  I like scraggly.  I do too when it works.
  • {Sandra Bullock} Pretty dress.  I like that.  Is that Sandra?
  • {Kate Winslet} {Totally not paying attention…talking about something completely unrelated!  Watch people, watch!}
  • {Charlize Theron} Why would you even wear that?  Maybe she thought it would emphasize her breasts.  There are better ways.
  • {Miley Cyrus}  Better posture.  She’s doing it on purpose to fill out her cups.  Yeah…that’s what we do.
  • {Jeff Bridges} That’s his name.


  • {Cameron Diaz} Oh, that’s bad hair.  I hate her.  I don’t like the hoops.
  • {Maggie Gyllenhaal} That’s just a Maggie Gyllenhaal dress.
  • {Penelope Cruz} She can’t win two years in a row.
  • I never saw Nine.  We should play it.
  • {Kathy Ireland} Oh, she is terrible.  Oooh, that hair.  That hair is horrible.  What’s wrong with her?  She’s a model, that’s what’s wrong with her.  She needs some Spanx!  She’s gonna be pissed.
  • {Jake Gyllenhaal} But he is pretty.  I like his hair.

…would you rather watch Red Carpet or The Soup?  {Apparently we’re gonna watch Red Carpet.  Sorry Joel McHale…I voted for you.}

  • {Zac Efron} He’s been spray-tanned for the Oscars.
  • Mariah Carey is wearing the same dress as one of those other girls.  {Back to E!} I love Seth Green.  I think he looks like a leprechaun.  He’d be such a good guy friend.
  • Oh, I cannot believe he picked Vienna.  {Back to Red Carpet 😦 and I have no idea what Vienna is…}
  • {Matt Damon}  Ooh, I need to watch that. {Invictus}
  • {Helen Mirren} I love her necklace, I love her outfit.  Helen Mirren is always classy.  She should have crow’s feet and she’s beautiful.  Ooh, there’s my husband Ryan Reynolds.
  • {Back to E!  We have TiVo, so we don’t have to miss anything..which may not be a good thing!}
  • {I love Joel McHale.  He’s hilarious.  Oh, and apparently Vienna has something to do with The Bachelor…so I’m glad I didn’t know anything about it.  And Soup Awards…that’s funny!}
  • {Jennifer Lopez…let her go inside already.}  I think that needs to be detached.  Maybe it comes off so she can wrap it around her shoulders if it’s cold.
  • Was that Kathy Bates? {Yes, it was.}

{Okay, here’s the thing.  I’m just gonna stop until the show starts.  It’s too much.  Plus, I hate all of this.}

{Finally!  Wait…we’re not opening with the hosts?  Who directs these things?  Anyway, I’m gonna get everything I can, because some of this stuff is too good, but there are FOUR of them and they’re talking really fast.}

  • Hugh Jackman was so much fun last year.  Hugh Jackman is delicious.
  • Yea!  It’s Barney. {I’m excited to see Barney too…awesome!}  Those outfits are not very flattering. Those women can’t be as wide as they look.  I’ve always wanted to dance with giant feather fans.  I have the biggest crush on him.  We would invite him to magazine club.
  • {Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin}  I think this is the prettiest stage they’ve ever had.  {These two are good.}  Did you know Mo’Nique has an open marriage?  Really, I did not know that.  Isn’t Kathryn Bigelow pretty?  Wow…look at the scowl on George Clooney.  {And now…they’ve moved on, they’ve stopped watching and are carrying on side conversations.  I can’t hear anything.}
  • {Penelope Cruz} She is so pretty.  {Supporting Actor} Christoph Waltz The metaphor is not working.
  • {Ryan Reynolds}  It’s your husband.  I forgive him for marrying Scarlett Johannsson.  Wooo, that’s a lot of red dress…I know, I wanna see J-Lo, she’s probably all smooshed.
  • {Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell} {Best Animated Feature Film}  Fantastic Mr. Fox…one of my Top Ten of all time.  Have you seen pictures of Dakota Fanning as…what’s her name?  When did she turn in to a grown up?  I feel like Disney is recycling it’s characters, that crocodile is from a long time ago.  Up! It doesn’t surprise me that this won.  His head is too small.  It’s too small for his neck and his ears.  Oh well, he has an Oscar.  He looks like a reverse bobblehead.
  • I love Julianne Moore.  Did you see “The Hangover?”  That baby.  I couldn’t handle it.
  • {Amanda Seyfried} {Best Original Song} I love it.  Are you getting married?  Miley, you need to pull that up.  Is Miley even 20? {Did you know Miley Cyrus’s 9-yo sister has her own lingerie line?}  That’s HORRIFIC!  I didn’t even know that Paris36 was a movie.  Look at hot Colin Farrell.  The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart They’re an odd couple.
  • {Chris Pine}  Okay, look at this man.  I just think he’s beautiful.
  • {Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr.} {Best Original Screenplay} Tina Fey is prettier in real life than she is on TV. {S. would know as she is friends with Jack McBrayer}  Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker That’s not the scary movie.  No it’s the bomb movie.  By the way, Shutter Island is not that good.  Paranormal Activity is much scarier. {Literally no one is paying attention to this guy talking.}
  • {Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald} She looks like a drag queen.  That’s the worst hair ever.  That dress is hideous.  Is she just unhumanly tall?  {I miss John Hughes.  Bueller, Bueller…} Weird Science!  I still think Judd Nelson is hot.  I love Jon Cryer. Yuck! {Judd Nelson…not looking good.}
  • {Samuel L. Jackson} {He’s so smooth!}

…is this really necessary?  No…so, let’s just stop here.  You can read about the other winners in the paper tomorrow or something.  I may even go to bed.  I really do hate b.s. awards shows.

See you in the funny papers!