The Oscars with the Sex in the City girls

So…here I am.  I know, I know!  Where I have been?!  I’m not even gonna say I’m sorry this time…because honestly, you should’ve just known.  However, here’s the fun part.  The Academy Awards are on tonight and I’m at home.  Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I hate awards shows.  But my wife’s magazine girls are over tonight to watch the Oscars, except for S. (Sorry you’re home sick S., feel better soon!).  They’re the magazine girls because they’re just too busy to actually read books so they formed a magazine club to read all the crappy magazines.  You know the ones…anything you can find in the front of the grocery store.  So…this may be my worst nightmare, but at least I have a Samuel Smith Taddy Porter.

It’s already started:  C., K., P., and S. (the other S., not the one who’s home, sick.)  They of course want to know who is who in relation to Sex in the City.  I refuse to divulge who’s who.  We’ll maybe settle it at a later time.  Just so you know, everything below is excerpted from their conversation.  My comments are in curly brackets.

  • What is Miley Cyrus doing with that hairdo?  What’s she doing at the Oscars?  It’s a sorry state of affairs that she is “it.”  Maybe she has one of those bump-it things? {That may actually be a trademarked thing, but who knows!}
  • Helen Mirren is lovely.  Who is that huge lady?  She’s towering over Sarah Jessica Parker.
  • {Many sighs over George Clooney}  Did you see the airline movie {Up In The Air}?  Did you think it was slow?
  • Have you seen Alice in Wonderland yet?  The visuals were stunning, but the story was flat.  Damn girl *snap*  Put that in your blog!
  • {Charlize Theron} She has pink rose boobs.  That’s not good.  They’re like hands reaching around.
  • Aaron, you should say they need dress tape.
  • Did anyone else see Up?  I cried through the whole thing.  You think it’s sad?  Well, the beginning…but it gets better.
  • {Amanda Seyfried} She’s wearing a wedding dress.  I hear there’s a trend toward that.
  • {Matt Damon} I think he’s delicious.  He’s flawless.  We don’t want to see his wife.  I would have to be drunk to talk to him. His hair looks longer than normal though doesn’t it?
  • He’ll do nudes of you?  I would love to have nudes done.  I would just feel uncomfortable with me posing.  I don’t get it and that’s why I’m Charlotte.  But she had her privates painted.
  • {Jennifer Lopez} That’s a very interesting dress she’s wearing.  I’m over her…and Beyonce too.  Me too.  That dress..is she smuggling a child under there.  There’s too much fabric.  She looks like that lady in “The Nutcracker.”  I hate her husband.  It takes her two hours for makeup…a lot of airbrushing going on.
  • What is up with all of the men wearing their hair so long?  That’s like the 3rd or 4th pink dress.  Did anyone see Precious?  Yeah, but I had a hard time watching it.  The book is really hard to read.  It’s horrifying.
  • Brown tux…we’re intrigued by that.  It’s like a harlequin pattern.
  • {Meryl Streep}  Why are her arms all covered up?  I like the cleavage.  I don’t like the  shoulder pads.
  • {Demi Moore}  That’s Demi?  That doesn’t look like her.
  • {Giuliana Rancic} What is with her?  I watched her reality show.  Who is she and why does she have her own reality show?  The guy she’s married to won the
  • {Rachel McAdams} That dress is the color of the car wash soap.  {The tri-color soap…it really was.}

{…commercial…}

  • {Keanu Reeves} OHHHH! What’s with the facial hair?  Is he gay?  It looks like he missed a spot.
  • {Evan Rachel Wood} I don’t like her, but that’s a good dress. She’s not feminine.  What’s she in?
  • {Tyler Lautner}  That guy, oooh…he’s good from the neck down, but those squinty eyes.
  • {Gabourey Sidibe} Did you hear what she said…it’s like Hollywood prom.  I like her dress.  She’s so comfortable with herself.
  • {Maggie Gyllenhaal} She looks like that Droopy Dog from the cartoons. {Serious Laughter}  She pushes the envelope.
  • Everybody has the same hairdo tonight.
  • {There is much discussion about the ridiculous bow/fabric/tent on J-Lo’s dress.}
  • {Robert Downey, Jr. and Susan Downey}  Her dress is nice.
  • {I hate Ryan Seacrest}  Has he come out of the closet officially yet?  I think he would come across as less asshole-ish and douchebaggey if he came out.
  • {Cervical Cancer commercial}  What the HELL…?
  • Evangeline Lilly is the L’Oreal woman now.  She’s absolutely stunning.  They covered up her freckles.
  • {May I say, this show hasn’t even started yet and this blog could go for days!}
  • {Gerard Butler} What is up with these scraggly beards?  I like scraggly.  I do too when it works.
  • {Sandra Bullock} Pretty dress.  I like that.  Is that Sandra?
  • {Kate Winslet} {Totally not paying attention…talking about something completely unrelated!  Watch people, watch!}
  • {Charlize Theron} Why would you even wear that?  Maybe she thought it would emphasize her breasts.  There are better ways.
  • {Miley Cyrus}  Better posture.  She’s doing it on purpose to fill out her cups.  Yeah…that’s what we do.
  • {Jeff Bridges} That’s his name.

{…commercial…}

  • {Cameron Diaz} Oh, that’s bad hair.  I hate her.  I don’t like the hoops.
  • {Maggie Gyllenhaal} That’s just a Maggie Gyllenhaal dress.
  • {Penelope Cruz} She can’t win two years in a row.
  • I never saw Nine.  We should play it.
  • {Kathy Ireland} Oh, she is terrible.  Oooh, that hair.  That hair is horrible.  What’s wrong with her?  She’s a model, that’s what’s wrong with her.  She needs some Spanx!  She’s gonna be pissed.
  • {Jake Gyllenhaal} But he is pretty.  I like his hair.

…would you rather watch Red Carpet or The Soup?  {Apparently we’re gonna watch Red Carpet.  Sorry Joel McHale…I voted for you.}

  • {Zac Efron} He’s been spray-tanned for the Oscars.
  • Mariah Carey is wearing the same dress as one of those other girls.  {Back to E!} I love Seth Green.  I think he looks like a leprechaun.  He’d be such a good guy friend.
  • Oh, I cannot believe he picked Vienna.  {Back to Red Carpet 😦 and I have no idea what Vienna is…}
  • {Matt Damon}  Ooh, I need to watch that. {Invictus}
  • {Helen Mirren} I love her necklace, I love her outfit.  Helen Mirren is always classy.  She should have crow’s feet and she’s beautiful.  Ooh, there’s my husband Ryan Reynolds.
  • {Back to E!  We have TiVo, so we don’t have to miss anything..which may not be a good thing!}
  • {I love Joel McHale.  He’s hilarious.  Oh, and apparently Vienna has something to do with The Bachelor…so I’m glad I didn’t know anything about it.  And Soup Awards…that’s funny!}
  • {Jennifer Lopez…let her go inside already.}  I think that needs to be detached.  Maybe it comes off so she can wrap it around her shoulders if it’s cold.
  • Was that Kathy Bates? {Yes, it was.}

{Okay, here’s the thing.  I’m just gonna stop until the show starts.  It’s too much.  Plus, I hate all of this.}

{Finally!  Wait…we’re not opening with the hosts?  Who directs these things?  Anyway, I’m gonna get everything I can, because some of this stuff is too good, but there are FOUR of them and they’re talking really fast.}

  • Hugh Jackman was so much fun last year.  Hugh Jackman is delicious.
  • Yea!  It’s Barney. {I’m excited to see Barney too…awesome!}  Those outfits are not very flattering. Those women can’t be as wide as they look.  I’ve always wanted to dance with giant feather fans.  I have the biggest crush on him.  We would invite him to magazine club.
  • {Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin}  I think this is the prettiest stage they’ve ever had.  {These two are good.}  Did you know Mo’Nique has an open marriage?  Really, I did not know that.  Isn’t Kathryn Bigelow pretty?  Wow…look at the scowl on George Clooney.  {And now…they’ve moved on, they’ve stopped watching and are carrying on side conversations.  I can’t hear anything.}
  • {Penelope Cruz} She is so pretty.  {Supporting Actor} Christoph Waltz The metaphor is not working.
  • {Ryan Reynolds}  It’s your husband.  I forgive him for marrying Scarlett Johannsson.  Wooo, that’s a lot of red dress…I know, I wanna see J-Lo, she’s probably all smooshed.
  • {Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell} {Best Animated Feature Film}  Fantastic Mr. Fox…one of my Top Ten of all time.  Have you seen pictures of Dakota Fanning as…what’s her name?  When did she turn in to a grown up?  I feel like Disney is recycling it’s characters, that crocodile is from a long time ago.  Up! It doesn’t surprise me that this won.  His head is too small.  It’s too small for his neck and his ears.  Oh well, he has an Oscar.  He looks like a reverse bobblehead.
  • I love Julianne Moore.  Did you see “The Hangover?”  That baby.  I couldn’t handle it.
  • {Amanda Seyfried} {Best Original Song} I love it.  Are you getting married?  Miley, you need to pull that up.  Is Miley even 20? {Did you know Miley Cyrus’s 9-yo sister has her own lingerie line?}  That’s HORRIFIC!  I didn’t even know that Paris36 was a movie.  Look at hot Colin Farrell.  The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart They’re an odd couple.
  • {Chris Pine}  Okay, look at this man.  I just think he’s beautiful.
  • {Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr.} {Best Original Screenplay} Tina Fey is prettier in real life than she is on TV. {S. would know as she is friends with Jack McBrayer}  Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker That’s not the scary movie.  No it’s the bomb movie.  By the way, Shutter Island is not that good.  Paranormal Activity is much scarier. {Literally no one is paying attention to this guy talking.}
  • {Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald} She looks like a drag queen.  That’s the worst hair ever.  That dress is hideous.  Is she just unhumanly tall?  {I miss John Hughes.  Bueller, Bueller…} Weird Science!  I still think Judd Nelson is hot.  I love Jon Cryer. Yuck! {Judd Nelson…not looking good.}
  • {Samuel L. Jackson} {He’s so smooth!}

…is this really necessary?  No…so, let’s just stop here.  You can read about the other winners in the paper tomorrow or something.  I may even go to bed.  I really do hate b.s. awards shows.

See you in the funny papers!

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One thought on “The Oscars with the Sex in the City girls

  1. Oh, god! Thank you for this. My husband went to bed before the awards show even started, so I’ve had to have a lot of these conversations in my head. Sadly, I don’t read magazines, so I’m having a hard time even knowing who is who, any longer.

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