The Lizard King is dead.

That’s right folks.  You heard it here first.  Well, maybe not first, but trust me on this one.  This business about pardoning Jim Morrison posthumously for his alleged indecent exposure during a Florida concert is ridiculous.

First of all, Jim Morrison is dead.  He’s been dead for almost 40 years.  He’s buried in France and he’s not likely to release any more music, with or without The Doors.

Secondly, he may or may not have publicly exposed himself and/or simulated a sex act on stage in Florida during a concert in which he unintelligibly warbled the lyrics to some songs because of his inebriation.  There is no definitive photographic or video evidence of this.

Therefore, the idea that the outgoing governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, is spending time and taxpayer money to consider clemency for someone who will incur absolutely zero benefit is ridiculous.  The idea that this warranted an article in the New York Times is even more ridiculous.  The fact that I read it and have now written over 150 words about it is…well, that’s credulous because that’s the sort of thing I do.

However, here’s what I propose.  If this thing is going to happen, which it seems likely that it will, I’m suggesting that a hearing immediately go into effect (Congressional, if necessary) regarding the reinstatement of “Shoeless” Joe Jackson as a full-fledged member of Major League Baseball and immediate submission of his name to the ballot for inclusion in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame.  Because, if a drunken rock star can get pardoned for allegedly showing his penis to a bunch of teenagers then an illiterate baseball player can get pardoned for allegedly betting on a World Series game.  I’m just sayin’.

See you in the funny papers!

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