Caucus Haiku

Republican Haiku:

Dateline Iowa:

Republican hopeful is–

Shucks! It’s Huckabee.

Democrat Haiku:

Could Iowa Dems

have picked a new president?

Barack Obama!

An interesting turn of events last night as the drama of the 2008 presidential election began to unfold. Huckabee was chosen overwhelmingly which seemed to churn a few Republican stomachs. This is not without due cause of course, because a quick perusal (and distillation) of Huckabee’s stances on the issues places him well to the right of moderate as far as conservatism is concerned. On the other hand, a strong showing by Obama (Change is a-comin!) whose views pretty much line up directly with mine paired with his desire to make the country work as a unified entity and not a conglomeration of various states with their own agendas makes New Hampshire’s primary all the more interesting.

In other news, my own 55 Fiction for Friday:

Dale stepped down from his tractor near the fence row of his last forty acres. He removed his straw hat and wiped his forehead. He glared across the fields of golden corn waving in the soft breeze and pondered its future.

“It can’t feed the cows and run the cars too. There won’t be enough.”

See you in the funny papers!

Could it be…SATAN?

This may be my most ambitious post to date. It’s easy to take on various topics, some more so than others, but to attack EVIL itself…wellEvil it’s hard to pin down. But, I think I’ll try: The woman to the right is Ann Coulter and she is by most accounts, certainly this one, the epitome of soul-sucking villainy. She is what your mother warned you about.

Now, ordinarily, I don’t go around picking fights, but this woman is the mouthpiece of vileness of which even some Republicans are ashamed. Almost every word she speaks, short of pronouns and the occasional name of a country, is right-wing filth. As a matter of fact, it may be beyond right-wing. It may be off-the-wing; beyond the spectrum.

I’d be very surprised if she responded to this post because I’m not the kind of guy who warrants attention from nitwits who feel they’re above me, but you never know. So Ann, if you’re reading this, you have no soul. You don’t even register on the radar of humanity, and to that end I feel sorry for you. You must not have any true friends who don’t simply pander to your every whim. I hope some day you’ll find happiness.

Now, to respond to her latest diatribe. Ann says:

Our lives depend on fossil fuel. Steel plants, chemical plants, rubber plants, pharmaceutical plants, glass plants, paper plants –- those run on energy. There are no Mother Earth nursery designs in stylish organic cotton without gas-belching factories, ships and trucks, and temperature-controlled, well-lighted stores. Windmills can’t even produce enough energy to manufacture a windmill.

Our lives currently depend on fossil fuel. There is no reason we can’t change that. All those plants run on energy, energy which could be harvested from other sources than dinosaur bones (which you probably don’t believe existed either). The liberals that you denigrate are not suggesting an end to an industrialized world. We’re simply suggesting that there is a better world than the sky-choking, lung-burning, earth devastation that your kind continue to support. Global warming is a fact of science. CO2 in the air absorbs longwave radiated energy from the earth which warms the atmosphere. The more CO2, the more absorption, the warmer it gets. Every time you clear cut a forest and burn fossil fuels to power your SUV or private jet, you make it hotter. That’s a fact. Sure, the impending doom espoused by Gore and associates in an attempt to get you to listen could be merely an earth climate cycle. Do you really want to take the chance?

Because of the industrialization of agriculture –- using massive amounts of fossil fuel — only 2 percent of Americans work in farming. And yet they produce enough food to feed all 300 million Americans, with plenty left over for export. When are liberals going to break the news to their friends in Darfur that they all have to starve to death to save the planet?

Only 2 percent of Americans work in farming because your desire for meat, and fresh strawberries in February, and wheat to sell to foreign countries in exchange for use of their airspace to attack innocent civilians, has caused the industrialization of agriculture. Back during the Depression, you bulldozed American farmers off their land because industrialization was the wave of the future. I’m sure no one imagined that the Dust Bowl was a plausible environmental concern either, but we know how that turned out. Americans could feed themselves with local cooperatives and getting off their lazy asses watching Hannity and Colmes to do a little gardening. Our friends in Darfur are starving to death because the governments you propped up in the 60s to hopefully gain an edge in the “whose-dick-is-bigger” race to control the world are so corrupt and mismanaged that they can’t properly care for all the people in their populations. Consequently, they take care of their friends and leave the others to fight Mad-Max style over what little foreign aid we do send them. Any idea how much farming equipment could be purchased in the Sudan for the cost of one SR-17 Blackbird or even aTomahawk missile?

“Global warming” is the liberal’s stalking horse for their ultimate fantasy: The whole U.S. will look like Amagansett, with no one living in it except their even-tempered maids (for “diversity”), themselves and their coterie (all, presumably, living in solar-heated mansions, except the maids who will do without electricity altogether). The entire fuel-guzzling, tacky, beer-drinking, NASCAR-watching middle class with their over-large families will simply have to die.

You seem to have forgotten that we can’t afford maids. We can’t afford maids because you and your buddies are sucking up all the funds with your tax-cuts for the rich and your continued support of corrupt corporations with enough golden parachutes to air lift Enron to Greenland. Amagansett is an extreme example, but if people went back to a simpler way of life, they could still be happy and their great grandchildren would be around to enjoy the sunlight. Oh, and Ann, those beer-guzzling NASCAR enthusiasts are the ones who keep voting for your friends, so you’d really want them to have over-large families to continue your base of support. Nothing like 50 cars chugging millions of gallons of petroleum making left turns on a Sunday afternoon to support the Republican machine.

Ann Coulter, please, shut the hell up.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

*Quotes in italics are directly from

Cool College Kid

Cool College Kid by Big Cheez

I am a Cool College Kid. Actually, at this point in my life, I’m a Cold College Man. How about winter folks? Didn’t I say it was coming? Don’t make me look up the post. I’ll do it. Mostly because I’m ignoring my work at the moment. And, anybody who’s been attending college as long as I have is no longer a kid. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, I’ve got a few things to write about today:

  • Global Warming <<read more>> is real and it’s coming to your neighborhood. If you don’t believe this, you probably think that the earth is only 6,000 years old. Please wake up, put down the keys to your Suburban Excavator and start paying attention. If we don’t start doing something right now about the warming of the earth, needing SPF 712 is going to be the least of your worries.
  • Funding for education is something that should be on the top of your priority list. Everybody reads about tuition hikes and thinks, “Well, if you want an education you have to pay for it.” It’s no longer a matter of want. We NEED an education if we want to compete in the global economy. Plus, for what our little debacle in Iraq has cost us, we could’ve given out almost 40 million scholarships to university students.
  • If you think education is a waste of time, maybe you would consider healthcare an important issue. People are dying because of lack of services and the increased gap between what I pay and what the health insurance industry pays is ridiculous. Not to mention that our little skirmish in Iraq could have given health insurance to over 46 million people.
  • And for those of you who think that this is all liberal claptrap trumped up by the ivory-towered academics who certainly don’t know what the “real world” is like…let me just say that all of this information came from reading the news, or from my own personal life, or from websites that are not funded by “conflicted interest” parties.

Yeah, apparently I’m in one of “those” moods. It’s just aggravating to say the least that our country, not to mention the world, continues to ignore the larger issues at hand and simply focuses on reacting to nonsense.

Trashtalk of the day: Ayman al-Zawahiri in his latest video dares the U.S. to “send entire American Army.” Well, if Bush doesn’t get out of office soon…it may come to that.

See you in the funny papers!

Quick and Dirty

Oooh, how I love double entendre! Okay, here’s the thing…I’ve got little time to write today, but I figured such loyal readers needed a fix, especially now that the Conspiracy’s fan base is growing. So, here’s the best of Quick and Dirty…



  • Me. After running through the mud on Monday.
  • Politics…and here we were hoping it would get better after the mid-term elections.
  • The price of gas. By which I mean “down and dirty”. Hollah up in here for less than $2/gal.
  • In no particular order, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan

Word is Oprah’s coming to Louisville, and possibly UofL, to interview Patrick Hughes. That’s pretty big news. Plus, apparently Steve Kragthorpe is a big fan of the marching band. Let’s hope that translates into some athletic money for the Music school.

March to the Mini Update

Updates to the Books, Movies and Links pages. That’s all I have time for. See you in the funny papers!

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the Tamiflu

Warning of psychiatric problems with Tamiflu

The above story deals with the current issue of Tamiflu possibly causing delirium and hallucinations, mostly among children. The fascinating part of this story is that in response to these allegations, the FDA has added a LABEL to the package to warn about the “potential risk.” A label, eh? Well, that worked so well for cigarettes, didn’t it?

So now we have suicidal teens hopped up on Tamiflu which is apparently our only defense against a possible mutation of the bird flu. At this point, we’re stockpiling the stuff in the hopes that it will end a pandemic virus. But soon, it will be like all the other ‘WMDs’ Aside: Weapons of Medicinal Destruction at the pharmacy and you’ll need an armed guard to get flu medication. As for me, I’d just as soon take my chances with the flu. I’d much prefer to be bedridden and unable to breathe than tripping on Tamiflu and enjoying the dulcet tones of the Grateful Dead.

Oh, but there is that label…that should be a deterrent.

See you in the funny papers!

Election Blues

Donkey/ElephantIf you’re seeing red over all the blue wins…well, this isn’t your blog. My team won the election in fine fashion and I’m thrilled that possibly our government is going in a new direction. I’m anxious to see, however, if this is truly a turnaround for the country, or if we’ve simply exchanged one set of dopes for a new set. If that’s the case…I promise to vote a 3rd party candidate for the rest of my life.